Pregnancy Sucks for Men: What to do when your miracle makes you BOTH miserable, by Jeff Kimes

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I can officially say that I am a good husband. Yes, I can stand in line with the great ones. What’s more is that I didn’t have to risk my life to earn this prestigious and rare title. There were no heroic efforts or feats of derring-do. You see, I did exactly what I supposed to do; I read a book about my wife’s pregnancy while she was pregnant.

The book I read was Pregnancy Sucks: For Men. It was a great read and I loved it. Here’s why:

It was no easy to task to find a pregnancy book I could relate to. There are literally bookshelves, libraries even, filled with pages and pages of text written about birth and delivery. There are sections in bookstores containing mountains of books about pregnancy and for every one hundred of the books intended for girls only, there is one book marketed for guys. Most of them are terribly-written and offer little practical information. In fact, at this point in time most are out-of-date.

Pregnancy Sucks: For Men is not like this at all.

I found it in Barnes and Noble one day after deciding I was going to be a good and faithful husband by reading a book about pregnancy. Or, I probably realized that I was about to walk into a hornet’s nest of a situation and wanted evidence to remind Jacki of what a great husband I was as the due date inched closer and the hormones quickly spun out of control. I picked up the book and started reading. In place of the cold, dry information found in most of the books, there is a distinct and discernible voice behind the letters and words. When reading this book, it almost feels like my dad or best friend is telling me things I need to know and things for which I need to be prepared.

I read a few pages, closed the book so I wouldn’t ruin it, walked over the cash register and purchased it.

As I started to read, I noticed the book is conversational and isn’t afraid to say things it probably shouldn’t at times. In fact, I wonder how many times the author found himself in the doghouse after his wife realized he revealed more than he was supposed to reveal about her pregnancy. The stories were entertaining and, most of the time, I was able to empathize with what the author went through.

That seems to be the single biggest reason why I loved this book. Everything about it  seemed to echo my own experiences thus far as the husband of a pregnant woman. There is a sense of being coached by a friend who’s been through it before. I loved that.

The book itself is broken up smartly into different chapters that reflect each stage of the baby-making process: conception, months 1-9 and one chapter dedicated to after the baby is born. The chapters lined up PERFECTLY with what was happening in my life and my wife’s pregnancy. I read a chapter every month and used the book as a guidebook/preparation manual for the craziness that was about to unfold. I probably could have read it all in one afternoon, but I figured I’d forget most of it if I didn’t spread out the reading over time.

There is great advice on cooking (which I’m terrible at), cleaning, and other “womanly” chores that I normally feel somewhat less than motivated to help Jacki with. The author breaks down, in easy-to-understand terms, what’s going on in your wife’s body and what you can do to help avoid a DEFCON 1 situation. It’s a fresh relief after being so clueless in the beginning of this pregnancy. Now, I feel like an expert!

Of course, for all the good things I loved about the book, there were a couple of things I didn’t like. They were mostly pet peeves. The author, at times, fell back on stereotypical sports metaphors. Also, because of the length, some things are only glossed over. This is both a blessing (doesn’t take long to read) and a curse (you don’t get the full information sometimes). And, there is surprisingly little out-of-date information, despite a 2004 publish date, but at times talk about video tapes and pay phones reminds you that the book is older than it seems.

Despite these nitpicks, I’d heartily recommend the book to anyone who asks. It’s funny, short and a great substitute for a friend who has gone through it all before.

To wrap it up, I think this book is, ultimately, for guys who don’t know what they’ve gotten themselves into. And, If you’ve got a pregnant wife, you should already know this means you.

**Note from Jacki: Awhile back, I reviewed Pregnancy Sucks, which was written by Joanne Kimes, Jeff’s wife.

I think that my biggest fear is just a loss of identity.  I’m around parents so much that seem seriously unable to talk about anything else but their kids and their new milestones and yadda yadda.  I know that it just comes from excitement, but it’s a little bit overwhelming and I always wonder what they were like before they had kids- what they were passionate about, what they loved doing… and when that stopped for them.  Because of this, I have decided to make a commitment to myself, my friends and family, and to you, my loyal readers.  Here goes.

I commit to:

• being able to hold conversations about things other than poop, throw up, rolling over, and all things “cute.”
• always having a book going.  I may not be able to crank ‘em out at the rate I do now, but I do commit to always being in the middle of a book… even if it takes me a couple of weeks to read it instead of a couple of days.
• continue to blog about what I’m reading and the bookish things I find exciting.  Again, at least for a little while I may not be able to post everyday like I do now, but I do commit to at least 3 or 4 a week.
• take walks and hikes.  This is something that Shaun and I really love and has always been a great activity for after he gets home from work.  Even when the baby & I have had a rough day and I’m cranky and tired, I commit to getting outside and walking in the neighborhood while chatting with Shaun.  He can push the stroller.
• keep up with current events in the U.S. and in the world.
• not posting an excessive amount of pictures/updates about our little guy either here or on other social networking sites.  There are a couple reasons for this: he’s going to be the most incredible human ever born and I don’t want other parents to get jealous, but also because after a minute, those get pretty boring if they aren’t your kid.  I’ll let you know when we have him and if he does something that, like, defies science… but that’s about it. I don’t want to be a “mommy blogger.”  I kinda like my little “book blogger” niche.
• amassing a giant collection of children’s books and reading to him as often as he’ll sit still.  I plan on making an off-shoot site to let you know about children’s books, but I’ll let you know more about that as the time comes.

How’s that sound?  Maybe I’ll alter these as I get further in to this parenthood thing, but for now that all sounds good to me.  I just wanted to let you know what changes you will see around here (and in my life in general) and what changes you most certainly will not.

The Book: Operating Instructions: A Journal of my Son’s First Year, by Anne Lamott

The Story: If you’ve ever read Anne Lamott before you know that she has quite the history (drug addict, alcoholic, yadda yadda) and quite the circle of friends.  She converted to Christianity later in her life and is still figuring out all the ins and outs.  In the meantime, she gets knocked up by some guy who doesn’t want a kid and begins the journey into parenthood. Alone.

She decided to keep a journal during that first year and then later to publish it.  This book covers all the nitty gritty: the birth, the late night feedings, the total drug-out, can’t-thing exhaustion, along with all of the beautiful stuff: loving Sam and watching him grow and become his own little guy.

Because Sam’s dad left her when he found out she was pregnant, she is technically a single parent, but her friends just really gather around her and help her.  They cook when she’s too tired and play with Sam while she takes naps.  In the course of the book, one of her best friends finds out that she has a pretty serious form of cancer and Anne records her struggle through that as well.

In this book, Anne Lamott makes it ok to get mad at your baby and ok to think that he’s the greatest thing on earth.  She says all of the stuff that most parents would never fess up to, like how shocked she is that babies cry so much, and how she thought it’d be more like getting a new cat.  She really covers a broad spectrum of emotion and, in one journal entry, can provoke about 90 different emotions.

What I Thought: I’m going to go ahead and admit right off the bat that I’m madly in love with Anne Lamott and have been for years.  I read her novels first and then all her non-fiction and she always makes it to my list of authors/people that I’d love to sit down for dinner with.  I love her. So this review is not unbiased.  I went in knowing I would love this book and was not at all let down.

For me, the appeal of Anne Lamott’s books are this honesty that almost never comes out.  Hearing that someone else struggles with the same things and delights in the same things as  me somehow makes it ok.  The fact that she can talk about these things in a poetic, gritty, wonderful way is just icing on the cake.

This is one of her only books that I hadn’t read yet, and I’d been saving it for when I was about to have a little one of my own.  Give me a couple of months and I’ll be blogging with puke running down my shoulder (except for with babies, it’s called “spit-up”… how cute, right?) so I thought that the time was right.

In the first couple of entries, she talks about her fears about becoming a mother and doing this thing right.  She also talks about how beautiful it is and how excited she is about having her son and loving him so much.  Because we’re still waiting on my little guy, this is the part that I related to the most.  Since I’ve been pregnant, I’ve talked to so many other mothers and so many pregnant women and usually it’s either “oh God, I can’t do this” or “I can’t wait! Baby, baby, baby!”  How I feel is somewhere in between, and I just felt like she captured that feeling perfectly.

I could go on and on. I just loved this. I’m going to give copies to my pregnant friends. This is part of my new shower gift pack.  I need to stop, because I can tell that I’m gushing.

Conclusion: Pregnant women, mothers, grandmothers: Read this.

The Book: Callie’s Tally: An Accounting of Baby’s First Year or What My Daughter Owes Me!, by Betsy Howie

The Story: Betsy Howie is in her late 30’s when she finds out she is pregnant.  She’s pretty thrilled.  She reads somewhere that it’s like 190,000 bucks to raise a kid from birth to 18 and she decides to test it out and bill her daughter, Callie, for all the expenses that can be attributed to her.  Betsy gets pretty creative with this.  Losing post-baby weight? Weight Watcher’s fees are going to the kid.  Invited to a kid birthday party?  Alright, Callie’s name is going on the package, Callie is paying. Of course, all of the “normal” stuff is listed too: diapers, formula, bottles, unpass-upable, cute clothes, vitamins, additional insurance that Betsy has to carry  now…. everything is listed.

Betsy takes off of work for a few months after Callie is born, and just to be fair, Callie also gets credited back any money that Betsy has at the end of the week, figuring if she could have left she would have spent it.  Callie also gets credited the chunk of change in income tax that Betsy and her husband saved because of Callie.  Just makes sense, right?

This isn’t just a list of expenses and credits.  It really is just the diary of a mother’s first year.  She talks a lot about her relationship with her mother and how having a baby has effected that.  To help her with her baby,  Betsy’s mom moves from across the country.  Because of that, this really turns into the telling of 3 generations of women and how they relate to each other and how they effect each other’s life.

All of this- the accounting, the story telling- is done with a lot of humor and the author is totally candid.  The blurb on the front cover compares this book to Bridget Jone’s Diary, and I think that that is an absolutely fair comparison.

What I Thought: I got this book in the mail from my mom on a day that I needed a surprise in the mail.  That has nothing to do with my review, but shout out to my always thoughtful Mama.  Perfect present on a perfect day. Three cheers.

Anyway, I thought that this book was adorable.  I know that you get tired of reading my reviews of pregnancy books and hearing me gripe about how much they gripe.  You’re not going to find that here.  Shocking, right?  Betsy Howie achieved the thing that I’ve been looking for: balance.  She lets you know that her pregnancy wasn’t perfect and easy, raising a baby isn’t perfect and easy.  She tells you about those crappy parts.  She also talks about the really beautiful parts, the really fun parts.  That’s what I needed to hear and I just devoured this.

Maybe part of my appreciation came from the fact that this is the first book I’ve read about being a mom.  I’ve read a lot about pregnancy, and am just starting to think about what comes next. Eek.  Maybe after I’ve read a handful of parenting books, I’ll think that this one was shallow and lame, but it was exactly what I needed to hear when I read it.

I thought that Betsy Howie’s sense of humor was kind of self-depriciating, which I totally get and really love.  I laughed out loud several times, especially when her husband was being this level-headed guy and rolling his eyes at her for keeping this big accounting project going.  This is exactly how Shaun and I are with each other.  He rolls his eyes at me and lets me do pretty much whatever I want while he goes along behind me and does the normal, level-headed thing.  I totally “got” this part of their life.

Conclusion: A cute, fun little book.  I would say that this would be a fun read for where ever you are in life, although I can see liking it more if you are a parent or are about to be a parent.  It is refreshing to read something that is light hearted, funny AND encouraging.  Read this one.

The Book: The Girlfriends’ Guide to Pregnancy: On Everything your Doctor Won’t Tell you; by Vicki Iovine

The Story: Kind of just another pregnancy “tell all.”  The idea behind this one is that it’s a lot of compiled information.  The author has talked to tons of her “girlfriends” and gotten the real lowdown on pregnancy, from the ever-growing boobs to sex during pregnancy to yadda yadda.

What I Thought: Meh. For some reason, this book is absurdly popular among soon-t0-be mamas.  When I was asking for advice on pregnancy reading, this one ALWAYS came up. So I bit.

I will say this right off the bat: I didn’t hate it like I hated a couple of the pregnancy books I read.  I thought that at times that the author was genuinely funny.  The stories from her friends had me cracking up a few times. So at least it had that going for it.

I guess what annoyed me about this book was that there was just so little actual information.  I knew going in that this book was supposed to be funny, but I assumed that there would be, I don’t know, something other than just filler.  The author just seemed to be kind of air headed and very self indulgent.  Maybe she’s not. I don’t know. One chapter was advice on how to get your husband to buy you a “push gift” and how to get that gift to be diamonds. Puh-lease.  Throughout the book she repeatedly belittled: men, people who were chunky, people who exercised, people who ate healthy during their pregnancy, people who went with natural labor, and any woman who is feeling positive about pregnancy.

My more negative opinion of the book, I think, largely came from the fact that I couldn’t relate to the author in any way.  I’ve found that the pregnancy books that I really like are the ones where I am like, “yes! That is exactly what I’m going through!” and make me feel normal.  This author is all about money and manicures and jewelry and being a size two and sitting around with her “girlfriends” and talking about what idiots their husbands are. That is just so completely far from my situation that I found myself rolling my eyes over and over and over.  Do people really live like this?

So that’s that.

Conclusion: If you have to read this “must read pregnancy book” I would just say to take her “advice” with a grain of salt.  Don’t buy it. Get it from the library.  You’ll be glad you did.

The Book: Love and Other Impossible Pursuits, by Ayelet Waldman

The Story: Emilia lives in an amazing apartment with her amazing lawyer husband who was a married man when they met and fell in love.  He chose her and they are pretty much living the dream.  With just a couple of exceptions.  Emilia doesn’t like her husband’s son from his first marriage, William.  He’s five years old and too smart for his own good.

Emilia really loses it when William starts asking tough questions about the infant daughter that recently died from SIDS.  While the book flap makes it seem like it’s this funny little book about being a better stepmother, most of the book revolves around Emilia dealing with her grief over this baby.

What I Thought: As you may have gathered from the pile of pregnancy books I’ve reviewed recently, I’m pregnant.  If I had known that this book was about baby death, I maybe would have shelved it for a different time.  It literally made my stomach turn.

I thought that the plot, while heartwarming, was fairly predictable.  It was like a chic flick written down.  This is not to say that it’s chic lit. I think that it was better written and explored deeper issues than chic lit, but as far as plot progression and knowing right out of the gate how this was going to turn out…. chic flick all the way.

I usually get into books by trying to relate to the characters, and I think that this is what kept me from enjoying this book very much. I didn’t want to relate to her. I didn’t want to think about how horrible it’d be to give birth and then, two days later, wake up to a dead baby. I cannot even think about it.  I purposely  distanced myself from the narrator, and I think that that really effected my enjoyment of the story.

Conclusion: Probably a pretty good book. Not for pregnant mothers or people who have dealt with miscarriage or loss. It is gut wrenching.

The Book: Pregnancy Sucks: What to Do When Your Miracle Makes You Miserable, by Joanne Kimes

The Story: The story is simply this: Joanne got pregnant after months and months of trying.  Joanne got whiny.

That’s basically it.

This book is set up in a month-by-month format, which is kinda funny because in the start of the book she talks about how pregnant women tend to think and talk in weeks then watch non-pregnant people scratch their heads and try to figure out how far along they are.

The idea behind this book is that women get pregnant all the time and are expected to just be overjoyed.  Meanwhile, they are getting fat, puking every hour or so, and peeing even more often than that.  But as a pregnant woman, if you mention these things you are kind of treated like a black sheep.  So the author mentions them. And mentions them and mentions them.

What I Thought: Other pregnant mothers may want to kick me. I may want to kick myself later for jinxing it, but I just have to say: I just cleared my first trimester and I’ve had a pretty easy, pretty smooth pregnancy.  Sometimes so easy that I wish that I had a symptom or two so that it seemed real.  Maybe that is why this book kind of grated on my nerves a little bit.

The thing that turned me off was that it was just full on complaining.  And saying she’d never do this again.  If I were her daughter, I’d be horrified to read this when I got older and realize how miserable I’d made my mom and how she chose to share it with the world. I don’t know why, but I kept thinking of that the whole time I was reading this book.

I’ll give it to Joanne, there really were some funny parts, but for me, this book was pretty much right in the middle of Belly Laughs and What to Expect.  Where Belly Laughs was mostly silly little stories that were easy to relate to, and What to Expect was pretty much full blown fear mongering, this one was funny in parts but also chock full of medical advice.  It says in the acknowledgements that she teamed up with a OB/GYN who filled her in on medical stuff and checked her on everything, which was comforting.  I did get good tips from this book, so I can’t bash it too hard- I just wish that she would have balanced her complaints with some cheery stuff every once in a while.

My husband actually bought the companion to this book, Pregnancy Sucks For Men, and he said he’ll do a guest review when he’s done.  He’s been reading The Stand since last February though, so he’ll probably get through this one when our kid is in 4th or 5th grade.

Conclusion: More informed than Belly Laughs, but not as funny.  Less scary than What to Expect, but just as negative.  I would maybe recommend this to someone who is being put through the ringer by her belly buddy, but not to someone who is having an easier go, or is just more relaxed about pregnancy in general.

The Book: Belly Laughs: The Naked Truth about Pregnancy and Child birth, by Jenny McCarthy

The Story: Former Playmate and host of that hilarious show on MTV (Singled Out?) gets pregnant.  She and her husband had been trying for awhile, so she was excited but also totally shocked.

The book is set up in these short little chapters that are pretty much just little quips about different aspects of being pregnant.  She covers morning sickness, weight gain, over eating, exhaustion, and then stuff that people don’t talk about as much: hemorrhoids, constipation, pooping while giving birth, and having sex when you are the size of a whale.

Some of it is heartfelt, you can tell that she is truly excited about being pregnant, but her take on it is more humorous.  Belly Laughs is written really conversationally so it feels like just  a good friend who has gone through this letting you know what to expect.

What I Thought: My first exposure to this book came probably 5 or 6 years ago.  I was working at a summer camp and my mom sent this to me in a box with other care packagey goodness. I thought it was so strange. I was single then and not even in the “thinking of baby” ballpark.  She just thought it looked funny and knew that I’d always cracked up at Jenny McCarthy.  I read it then and laughed, but not half as much as I did this time.

Mostly I laughed because I was just like, “Yes. That is exactly how it is.”  In one part she talks about the Psycho Chick that comes out during pregnancy and she says that you know what you’re saying is totally crazy, but knowing that and doing anything to stop it are two totally different things. Amen, amen, amen.  I’ve had Psycho Chick come out a couple times and afterwards, Shaun and I have kind of laughed because… what just happened?! It was hilarious to read about her throwing the remote at her husband because he pointed out that her tea had caffeine in it.  I get it. I really do.

The other part that made me laugh til I cried was when Jenny talked about how she’d see food on TV and have to have it NOW.  She talked about NEEDING some shake n bake chicken. Oh, so funny.  She said that she’d make her husband run out and get just random stuff in the middle of the night.  Sort of like how I made Shaun go get some sparkling grape juice so I could make an ice cream float in it.  Which was delicious, might I add.

And I think that that is the appeal of this book.  It is not a pregnancy book where you are going to get a lot of medical advice or get to read what will happen week by week.  I’m sure that there are books for that, but none of them will be as relatable as this book.  I would recommend this as light reading for any pregnant woman. And their husband too, if he is a brave, brave man.

Conclusion: Read this.  Buy this for your pregnant friends.  This is one that will not make you have nightmares, but will make you cringe for sure.  Good stuff.

The Book: What to Expect When You’re Expecting

This review is going to be a little bit different than my normal review set-up.  The reason? I do not want to pass on any of the information that I got from this book.  I don’t want to tell you the “story,” so I’ll just hop right to what I think.

I know that being pregnant is a miracle and that it is important to protect that and just do everything you can to make your baby strong and healthy.  I get it. This book made me feel like I needed to be locked in a sterile room for the next 6 months, and even then that there would probably be serious issues.

The book is set up in kind of a Q&A format of questions that moms-to-be may ask, broken down by month.  These questions brought up worries that I didn’t even think to have.  And it seemed like to me that every answer was just this negative, scary thing.  Literally one question says, “It seems it isn’t even safe to breathe when you’re pregnant.  Will polluted air hurt my baby?”  The answer is pretty much, “Yeah, it’s risky.  But so is NOT breathing.  So just put plants around you so the air quality in your home is better. If you work in a bus terminal ask for a transfer.”  I never even thought to be worried if BREATHING was hurting my little baby.

Not that I don’t want to know about legitimate dangers. I do. I just don’t want to worry about things I can’t control and get myself worked into a frenzy. There is a whole chapter at the end that pretty much lists all the things that could be wrong with my baby, even if I somehow manage to make it to delivery.  It’s nothing that I have control over now or that I can change.   Not to say that this information in inaccurate.  It is just totally unbalanced.  In the list of what to expect for each month, there is never a positive item.  It is just plain old negative.

It seemed to focus only on what could go wrong and on high risk pregnancies.  It pretty much ignored the vast majority of women, but spoke in this way that would make you think that every little ache or pain probably means something is horribly wrong.

All this to say, I hated this book.  I read it and for the first time in my pregnancy got truly worried that something was wrong with the baby I’m growing.  I even had two miscarriage dreams last night- the first since I found out I was having a baby.  I told my husband not to read it and to immediately throw it away.

I haven’t read any other pregnancy books yet, although I have one waiting for me that my mother-in-law got me for Christmas.  I’ll let you know when I find one that has a more balanced look at pregnancy and that allows me to sleep without nightmares.